It’s a familiar feeling lately. It creeps up when I least expect it, or when my to-do list is a mile long. It’s a feeling that brings back both exciting and terrifying memories. I can feel my face get warm, my heart beat faster and a lump forms in my throat, the feeling knocks me over and I’m consumed with irrational thoughts and fears.
I remember these feelings when I shared our baby news with JPW. What would he think? What would he say? Oh my goodness our lives were changing all because of two pink lines, the anxiety was almost crippling.
I remember waddling into my principals office in July 2009 to formally turn in my resignation letter, the fear nearly consumed me on the drive there. My face was flush and I was practicing my speech and thinking of all the things I could, should, would say to him. Thankfully I didn’t have to, he was so kind and understanding, but the anxiety nearly kept me at home.
And now, some how this anxiety has found its way back into my life. It’s the terrifying anxiety, not the anxiety I felt on my wedding day, or when the nurses told me I could push, but the petrifying, mind racing, heart pounding anxiety that stops me. Stops me from having rational, organized thoughts and causes me to sit on the couch watching numbing television because the lump in my throat is too painful to do anything else.
I feel okay right at this moment, but the moment I rest my head tonight, it’ll creep back in my system and I’ll eventually fall asleep to the sound of my pounding heartbeat on my pillow.