Abandonment.

by LCW on March 31, 2010

in Life,Ryann

We’ve been church shopping (I’ve shopped for lots of things in my lifetime…never a church) since we moved to a new area.  We started attending a very nice church down the road from us and of course Ryann joins us.  It was our first visit; we toured the place including the nursery.  I asked my “twenty questions” and moved along….I wasn’t quite ready to leave Ryann with perfect strangers.  Sure they’ll love on her and hold her and talk to her and keep her safe for about an hour but I’ve never left her with anyone other than immediate family let alone a group of ladies I met for 2 minutes.  We decided to return to this church for an evening meeting, Ryann in tow with toys and the Ergo.  She was rested, fed and clean. Perfect!  Until she decides to practice using her voice, during a prayer….I step out into the hallway, talking softly to her and holding her toy while she noms on it.  But the toy nomming lasted about 1 minute before she decided she had more to say. JPW steps out and gives me the look, you know the look that he’s mildly embarrassed that his baby is chatting up a storm and although I’ve stepped out her voice is echoing through the room, yeah that look.

We quickly walked to the nursery and signed her in, I don’t know why but I felt safe there and the women were practically pushing each other out of the way to get to Ryann (they had one other baby there).  So I handed her over with two toys and the first time mom speech, “We don’t let her cry and scream.  Please get us if she starts to cry.  She doesn’t need a diaper change.  She is very chatty this evening and really wants to talk and play.  We’ll be in the “Acoustic” room, please come get us if she starts acting unhappy. Thank you for watching her”  I kissed Ryann compulsively and walked off.  The sound of her happy voice trailing off as I walked away gave me a reassuring feeling.

We return to the room and every time I saw someone come to the door, I immediately thought to myself, “Shit, Ryann is sad and it’s all my fault.”  But no one was coming for me and before I knew it, the meeting was over and I quickly walk off to pick up my baby girl.  I walk in and she’s sitting on the church lady’s lap who first plucked her from my arms.  I called her name a couple of times and through drowsy eyes she found my voice and we were reunited.  I was so happy she had a good time. The church lady spoke to her and let her “talk” all night long.  She was the loudest child in the room; louder than the toddlers on the other side of the half wall and drew attention to herself with her happy little voice.  She was adored.  I felt relieved that she was able to talk and play.

Then I FREAKED THE EFF OUT on the drive home when I realized I had just left my baby girl with a complete stranger. Not only did I leave her with a complete stranger I didn’t know the church lady’s name, or any of the other ladies names and who was to stop other strangers from wandering in and out of the room where my little baby girl happily chatted. What had I done?  JPW assured me that they go through thorough background checks and Ryann was safe and happy and they were “church” people.  “But what’s to stop a nice church person from stealing our baby?”  Even though I felt safe at the time, I had all these horrible after thoughts.  My overprotective motherly OCD was kicking in and JPW did he husbandly duties of calming me down and reassuring me.   I figured I was being irrational and would try again next Sunday.

I just can’t shake the feeling that I abandon her.  Will I leave her again? Maybe.  Will I worry just as much?  Definitely!  Do I compulsively watch the screen for our number to pop up?  YES!  And sometimes, I want it to because it means she wants me and only me.

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